It's Not You

When you leave a job made untenable by an individual, it's always a relief to discover it's not you; even when you knew it really wasn't in the first place! 

The knowledge brings a sweet release, made even sweeter in the case of a gaslighting, where you've been repeatedly driven to question your own sanity!

Often not just confined to You

This is a term I'd never come across, until a former colleague and friend pointed it out to me after I'd just left a position I shouldn't have had to leave.

He too had worked in this organisation, experiencing this individual's debasing management style for a number of years, in which time it had eroded his work confidence to that of a mere pin head.

Freedom from the shackles of misery, brought with it the wisdom of that annoying fellow, hindsight, which he passed onto me.

Gaslighting Definition

If you haven't come across this relatively modern term for an age-old problem,  this is what the all-knowing Wikipedia has to say on the matter:

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, hoping to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the target and delegitimize the target's belief.[1][2]

Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

The term owes its origin to the 1938 Patrick Hamilton play Gas Light and its 1940 and 1944 film adaptations. The term has been used in clinical and research literature,[3][4] as well as in political commentary.[5][6]

(I've copied this directly from Wikipedia complete with their links so they get all the credit)

More Evidence

Another worthwhile, more in-depth account that relates to the workplace can be found here https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting By reading this you can quickly establish whether you or a problem colleague in the workplace is guilty of this malpractice.

High Emotional Intelligence doesn't guarantee Immunity

Now I, as you've probably gathered if you've been reading my Blogs, have a lot of personal therapy experience. This facilitates both a high level of self-awareness and the clarity to perceive other people's issues; aka I know what's my shit and can usually, easily define what belongs to someone else.

Easy to Get Caught When You're Already Down

However, I found Myself in this particular frying pan because I had just jumped from another and my confidence was rock bottom. 2017 saw me attempting to return to full-time employment, no mean feat after years of self-employment, children and a plethora of enduring health problems - an annus horribilis on the work front...or should that just read, horrible anus!

They Feed on Vulnerability

Being the direct and responsible individual I am, I was naïvely open about my newly acquired confidence wound.....Well, that's just mana from heaven to this type of devil's spawn. There are just some people in this World who are fucked-up and poisonous but just won't take responsibility for it and sort themselves out.

Constant Undermining

And so began a 4 month torture trip, which was predominantly played out in an open plan office!

I received daily servings of humiliation in the forms of misinformation, misguidance and withheld information. 

The ensuing chaos I found myself drowning in was met with patronising sarcasm about my questionable abilities. My successes were belittled, everything I set up for my clients became 'too difficult' and was poorly executed upon handover but blamed on me. All this took place under an uncomfortable smoke screen of bon homie, whilst I was being covertly slayed to pieces to my boss.

I Thought it was Me

I knew something was wrong, but it was all so insidious.  And having just come from my first bad experience in work, I began to believe it was me.

I started thinking I was no longer fit to work, the combination of motherhood and my health problems had pulled the plug on my intelligence and rendered me useless. I went home every night feeling terrible and mystified that I could have become so inadequate.

 Emotional Breakdown

At times it was so bad it was laughable, I even cried in 2 of my monthly reviews??!!! I am not a public crier and certainly not one for tears at work.  And it completely ruined my relationship with my boss, whom I'd known for years and worked well with and for in previous years. He simply didn't believe it was happening and that my poor performance was entirely my fault.

I had to Quit

I lasted 4 months before I allowed myself to quit.  My physical health deteriorated to the point where I developed shingles, on top of my pre-existing health conditions. Plus, the feelings of dread I was experiencing whenever I had to share air space with this cretin, meant the situation went beyond viable. I felt I had not choice but to quit!

Feeling like a Failure

In my mind I was horrified, feeling that I'd failed again, it was all my fault.  I beat myself black and blue, not appreciating that I could never have succeeded against such a twisted foe.

Distant Light at the end of the Tunnel

It took my friend's discovery of gaslighting, shortly after my departure, for us to both realise that it wasn't us it was him.

I'd love to say that this enlightenment brought happiness and the immediate restoration of our self esteems, but in truth a full recovery is still a work in progress for both of us; As is to be expected, if you've been subjected to this evil phenomena.

Watch Out

So folks, watch out for this dangerous, confidence quick sand, in both your workplace and love life (yes there are twisted psychos that will attempt to pull this off in relationships).

Trust your gut instincts and get out at the slightest whiff of this kind of underhand, manipulative behaviour. There is next to no chance that this snake will be caught and beaten, it's the nature of this psycho!