Mental Wellbeing - Mental health and Grief

My need for a literary bleed

During my grief phase I found myself regularly metaphorically foaming at the mouth as I continually tried to find time to bleed my emotions into words, an essential part of managing my mental health.

This is a normal part of working for yourself, the standard battle of needing money versus creative flow, and rarely do the twain meet! I spent an inordinate amount of time fantasising about being Beatrix Potter or Agatha Christie, but never Dame Barbara C - pink is not my colour!

A better way to experience grief

Grief doesn’t have to be a barren journey through wasteland. This involves a radical a volte face that for those who've built their identity around their loss, or those trapped in survivors’ guilt, it can be too much to hear.

Grief triggers abandonment issues

Grief triggers emotions of abandonment, I experienced that in full technicolour, how could my father die and leave me?

And more so, how fucking dare he! How was I supposed to go on living in a world without him in it? How were my children going to grow up without his influence, and him being more of a hazy memory than a force de major? So much anger!

So, I get it... I get the darkness, the loneliness, the deep anger and shades of survivor’s guilt. I think the latter really kicks in when you lose a partner or child, not an elderly parent.

Fear based anger

Fear based anger is more freaky, bloody powerful and destructive. It keeps people stuck, and stuck energy starts too corrupt from the inside out.

The stagnation makes you ill, sore throat, sore back, sore knees, aching joints, digestive issues, it finds your physical weakness and preys upon it.

We're not supposed to hold onto electrical charge and not let it go, we need our electrical impulses to flow freely within us to keep up in harmony with the world surrounding us.

BUT grief defines me

But some of us want to keep hold, because the physical pain outweighs the pain from feeling abandoned. It allows us to hide behind something, an excuse for not continuing to walk on, we unfortunately believe we do not, nor will not, find such happiness again.

We're all connected

And, such is the error of the human mind, we're excellent at putting a generous rosy tint on our memories, creating unmatchable perfection. What we can fail to realise is that we're all joined, we're all one, so if we are suffering we are inadvertently making all those around us suffer.

They can't move on either

Sadly our grief traps our deceased loved ones, they become anchored by our fear and upset unable to move onto the next stage. They worry about us, loving us still. But in most case they are not acknowledged as still being present, despite all the signs they try to give. So, they suffer in limbo, not gone, not known, unable to help but forced to watch on.

Season of the departed

As the sun departs and the nights get longer, the less numb grievers will be dreading impending winter, the raw ones won't care because nothing matters anymore.

Halloween isn't given its due relevance, our custom is no longer to celebrate our dearly departed, and recognise their continued presence with a family feast of their favourite dishes. 

It's become a distorted parody of what it should be, and given that this was one Pagan festival the Church couldn't superimpose itself upon, that's a significant mockery in my book!

Christmas hell in early stage grief

As for Christmas, when you are grieving, those overly bright lights and accompanying gaudiness coupled with materialistic greed, is a massive turn off. All that manufactured joy and happiness, feels overly fake, so it can fuck off right. 

A time to be endured, rather than enjoyed. And, there is no getting away from it anywhere in the modern world, so it magnifies the loneliness and sense of abandonment.

Grief offers the gift of transformation

But as I know, through my own very deep and traumatic journey through grief, there is another outcome and it's far more completing and fulfilling than you can ever imagine when you're alone in that darkness.

I feel full with contented love and not withered by my loss, for it isn't a loss, it was a massive transformative gain. Death is actually a gift, just like all those other clouds with silver linings, except bigger than anything you've ever been gifted before.

Hard to conceive of grief as a gift

I know that's hard to feel or even conceive. It’s down to you how you choose to experience your grief. Just know that you should feel any pressure to respond in a certain way, other countries around the world confine themselves to heavy mourning for a short period of time and then celebrate the life the person had. This is far more comforting to mental health.

Grief rips the filter from your third eye and you can only see truth because you no longer have any capacity for pretence. This means you make more honest choices and decisions, putting your needs first. This is healthy for your mental wellbeing.

Wellbeing for grief

I recommend essential oils to support all levels of your wellbeing in grief. Essential oils have an immediate impact on your mental health and can be easily carried around with you, for those unexpected sudden grief storms.

Essential oils I would recommend for grief include Rose essential oil, Rosemary essential oil, Lemon essential oil, Peppermint essential oil, Frankincense essential oil, Sandalwood essential oil and Vetiver essential oil. Though ultimately, essential oil choices are personal and its best to book an appointment with me to come and see which essential oils work for you.

Herbal infusions or teas are excellent for soothing the edges of your mental health during grief. Insomnia can be a real problem, it stops you from adequately resting and recovering, herbal teas can gently ease this. For this I would try Valerian, Hops, Rose, Lavender and Vervain. Again, we’re all individuals so it is down to what will work for you. I can easily work this out with a bespoke consultation.